{"id":1171,"date":"2017-12-12T15:49:52","date_gmt":"2017-12-12T04:49:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/eviemcrae.com\/?p=1171"},"modified":"2020-12-09T08:39:26","modified_gmt":"2020-12-08T21:39:26","slug":"lets-not-turn-a-deaf-ear-to-the-silence-breakers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/butterfly.writefromsource.com\/?p=1171","title":{"rendered":"Let’s not turn a deaf ear to the silence breakers"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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After the #MeToo campaign what<\/strong>\u2019s next? We need to have an all-inclusive conversation that’s not just about who has the loudest voice or the highest profile. It has to be a cultural shift from the grassroots to the upper echelons and it has to happen now.  Cue the next hashtag?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

It was around three years ago over casual afternoon drinks with my husband, my sister-in-law and her husband, I got as close as I\u2019d ever got to admit I\u2019d been sexually assaulted. As the conversation skirted around the subject, I bottled up what I really wanted to spill out, even though the first of these assaults happened over 30 years ago. Why after so long was I still keeping quiet? The honest answer. I don\u2019t know. I suppose I still felt, as I had then, a level of shame or a feeling I caused them in some way.  So instead, I said it was my belief that the majority of women had experienced some form of sexual assault. I will never forget my brother-in-law\u2019s look of surprise. \u201cSeriously? You think MOST women have experienced sexual assault? That\u2019s a big call,\u201d he said with eyebrows raised. I nodded, aware the idea seemed a bit ‘out there’ – a bit of an exaggeration to him. After all, he was one of the decent men out there. Of course, it sounded a bit out there. My sister-in-law took a quiet sip of her wine.<\/p>\n

It seems absurd to say I had goosebumps when the #metoo campaign hit social media, but I felt goosebumps along with a giddy excitement \u2013 something big was happening. The Harvey Weinsteins of the world were finally going to be brought to account. Even though I had remained silent, it was the vindication of something I had long since felt. A deep knowing that women around the world were dealing with sexually abusive behaviour (silently) every single day.<\/p>\n

I knew it because I had experienced it myself.  I was nothing special. I wasn\u2019t irresistible, I wasn\u2019t a celebrity. I was just an ordinary girl, growing up in the 80s an ordinary town in the northern hemisphere \u2013 and yet the number of \u2018unwanted\u2019 experiences I\u2019d had before I was even 20 seemed incredible. I couldn\u2019t be the only one.<\/p>\n

With all the dirty washing that\u2019s being aired right now, I actually wonder if the men who sexually assaulted (or harassed) me over the years are quivering in their boots right now, wondering if I am about to \u2018out\u2019 them. Has it even registered with them that what they did was wrong and they put me in an uncomfortable position that made me question everything about myself? Do they see themselves as different to the Harvey Weinstein\u2019s of the world?<\/p>\n

Well, relax, I\u2019m not going to out every single one of you, however, I am going to list just a few incidents so you can see what an \u2018ordinary\u2019 girl generally has to deal with growing up.  I had written about these events in great detail more as a cathartic exercise, but I\u2019ve paired them down to provide a quick overview.<\/p>\n

Age: 15 <\/strong>(still a minor)
Who: <\/strong>A <\/strong>Family Member
Situation:<\/strong> Lured\/Tricked upstairs (he said the TV didn’t work). Held down. Unwanted sexual advances. I was terrified. I found an anger I didn’t know I had and managed to extricate myself from the situation.
Did I tell anyone? <\/strong>Only my best friend, and then my mother two years later.<\/p>\n

Age: 15<\/strong> (still a minor)
Who:<\/strong> Cross Country Coach
Situation:<\/strong> ‘Tricked’ (encouraged) into running a longer alternative route. The coach stopped part way through and because I didn\u2019t know the route I had to stop too. It was then I was pinned against a tree while his hands groped my whole body. He said, \u201cYou know what\u2019s going on, you know you want it.\u201d Shock gave way to anger and I pushed him off and ran back to the club to pick my stuff up and caught the bus home.
Did I tell anyone?<\/strong> No.<\/p>\n

Age 16
<\/strong>Who:<\/strong> Male gym teacher at school
Situation:<\/strong> There were 2 situations 1 day apart with the same gym teacher. Inappropriate\/suggestive comments about \u2018sexy bodies\u2019 though he addressed these directly to me by name in front of gym class. The next day there was inappropriate touching (he used his finger to caress my hand in lunch queue). Seems innocuous but both incidents embarrassed me and were confusing because they were in public (made worse because he was one of the ‘hot’ gym teachers so who would believe me or feel I had suffered from the attention? I felt humiliated and confused.
Did I tell anyone?<\/strong> No<\/p>\n

Late 20s
<\/strong>Who:<\/strong> would rather not say
Situation:<\/strong> Hard to define as the situation was complex. I had gone to a hypnotherapist to help with smoking cessation (which worked I\u2019m pleased to say). While under hypnosis I divulged information about the incident. At the end of the session, the hypnotist suggested I get in touch with a Rape Counsellor. It was the first time I had heard that word in relation to what had happened. 
Did I tell anyone?<\/strong> My (long-suffering) best friend. My husband 16 years after the event. I eventually attended a Trauma counsellor through the NSW Judicial system. It has been life-changing!<\/p>\n

In my 40s
<\/strong>Who:<\/strong> A visiting senior colleague
Situation:<\/strong> Social situation after work – normally a relaxed, safe and fun environment. However, on this occasion, a visiting senior member of staff persisted with unwanted lurid sexual talk. Even as I changed the subject he would change it back being more and more suggestive  After returning from the toilet I picked up my drink to go and sit elsewhere.  Shortly afterwards I felt ill. I had the awareness to leave the social situation completely when I realised people, noise and light seemed far off in the distance. I felt like I was in slow motion under water.  My significant other found me on a traffic island on the ground, totally disorientated in the middle of a busy highway. I cried and vomited on and off for hours. I was convinced my drink had been spiked and I wished I’d been able to go somewhere to be tested. That aside, the disgusting conversation was bad enough. Nothing ‘happened’ to me as such but I felt violated just the same.
Did I tell anyone?<\/strong> Not on an official basis. The whole team had been drinking so it was going to be too difficult to prove (a) I wasn’t just drunk\/ill through alcohol (b) against a senior member of the company after the event<\/p>\n

So there you have it. Moments in time that happened to an ordinary girl, living an ordinary life through the 80s, 90s and beyond. Those events happened on both sides of the world (the UK and Australia). You can see that sexual abuse or sexual assault, however, you coin it, hasn\u2019t diminished in our so-called enlightened society. It doesn’t diminish with age, your looks or your weight.<\/p>\n

You notice I don\u2019t mention unwanted attention from guys in street – the wolf whistles walking past a building site to the \u2018brave\u2019 guys who hang out of car windows to shout something obscene. Whatever. I don\u2019t class the latter as sexual ‘assault’ or harassment as such though it\u2019s certainly embarrassing and unwanted.<\/p>\n

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As a woman your threshold to withstand these acts increase and to a point it all seems normal. We as women have normalised this behaviour to cope with it and then we do our best to shrug it off.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Even now, with all I have read and learned, I wonder, were all these incidents I experienced really \u2018sexual assault\u2019 or \u2018just\u2019<\/em> sexual harassment?  I know 100% none of these acts were invited or welcome \u2013 but \u2018assault?\u2019 \u2013 it\u2019s such an aggressive word. And therein another problem.<\/p>\n

You can see how completely different in nature each of those occurrences were. They affected me in wildly different ways, from covering up, to be being less \u2018friendly\u2019, being embarrassed and confused, to stopping going out on my own completely. You might think some of them are \u2018nothing\u2019 to get worked up about.  And perhaps that\u2019s part of the issue too. We don\u2019t really know what our red line is meant to be.<\/p>\n

Take former INXS band member Kirk Pengilly\u2019s comments about \u201cloving the 60s and 70s when life was so simple and you could slap a woman the butt and it was taken as a compliment, not sexual harassment\u201d. OK, so the boundaries have changed \u2013 things that were cool in the 60s and 70s are not cool now (if you really believe women didn\u2019t mind back then) they\u2019re not now.<\/p>\n

Defining sexual assault and sexual harassment<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

Sexual Assault: <\/strong>According to the NSW Justice Department, sexual assault occurs when a person is forced, coerced or tricked into sexual acts against their will or without their consent, or if a child or young person under 18 is exposed to sexual activities. (sexual acts being: forced sexual intercourse, forcible sodomy, child molestation, incest, fondling, and attempted rape)<\/p>\n

Sexual Harassment: <\/strong>(typically of a woman) in a workplace, or other professional or social situation, involving the making of unwanted sexual advances or obscene remarks. Sexual harassment is any unwanted or unwelcome sexual behaviour, which makes a person feel offended, humiliated or intimidated.<\/p>\n

By those definitions the incidents I outlined above would be classed as sexual assault or sexual harassment. One thing in common with all of the incidents I’ve mentioned here is ‘power’. Each was in a position of power over me – whether it was someone I looked up to or was subordinate to in some way. Another thing in common being ‘consent’ – or lack of it. I was not enjoying or inviting this attention. It was being forced upon me regardless of my thoughts or wishes. The problem was, I was an outgoing, sociable type so when things began to happen to me I immediately blamed myself. I must be doing something to give men the wrong idea.  And now I know for sure I am not alone in these experiences.<\/p>\n

So where are all the other ordinary, every day (silent) women? Are you reading this thinking ‘yes that all seems pretty familiar’? Have they been silently rejoicing for #metoo?<\/p>\n

The aftermath of #metoo<\/span> <\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

So as we celebrate the voice the #metoo campaign gave to over a million women (myself included), it\u2019s time to turn our attention to what comes next. While I\u2019ve cheered my sisters on from the sidelines, admiring their bravery and to hell with the consequences, I do worry that this unique movement will suffer an \u2018unforeseen\u2019 setback to derail the amazing progress that\u2019s been made or worse still just run out of steam like so many any other social media-driven campaigns. We can\u2019t allow this movement to be derailed \u2013 so we need an action plan in the name of progress.  the hashtag ‘what next’ would be great – but it is so overused on Twitter. It still begs the question …<\/p>\n

So what’s next?<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n